Posted 12:56 PM
Did some research on my family name. Apparently the name Guan goes back about 4500 years or so, and belonged to a "dragon trainer". I always liked to think of myself as the descendent of Guan Yu because we had his statue in the living room as I grew up in Hong Kong.

I have a gig in the middle of nowhere in Hamilton tonight. I have no idea who it's for and where exactly we play at or what we're playing for that matter. Story of my life.

Posted 11:15 AM
Dave informed me that it's Jewish new year tonight. Year 5763 is here. Really gets you thinking. All those years of recording history by ear and managing to keep a long record of genealogy and years - to think that the hebrew language was not written util about 700 years after the beginning of the world is very hard to grasp for the modern mind where we organizes everything on paper and that is still not enough.


I can't keep records straight for one day without writing them down. I can't remember what gigs I did last weekend and where - if I don't have a blog here I won't remember how I felt 3 days ago sitting up at 3am and typing away.

Posted 2:47 AM
I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep. I guess I've just been sleeping too well and I'm spoiled and when I'm alone I'm restless.

I can sit and accept what is, and I can tell myself and everything will turn out ok. But there's always that nagging voice at the back of my mind that there is a rope in front of me and an alligator behind me. There is always that threat of defeat, that threat of my shadow haunting me and that nothing will ever work out.

If I stop listening to that voice, which is the cynical, negative part of me, maybe I can finally fall asleep.

Posted 1:52 AM
Had a run in with G on irc, and for some reason or another I found myself missing him. He was such a constant in my life back in my teen years. Old friends are hard to replace, especially one so close to me for such a long time...but people change and life changes as well, it was time for both of us to move on.

I just have to be content with the things and places that I've seen, I've been, and I'm at now.

Posted 4:56 PM
You never know how blind you were until you get new contacts.

I walked down the street with Eric last night and I realized that I could see lights. They weren't glowing blobs afterall, but actual outlines. I could see stars when I look hard enough, and I could read licence plates in the dark. I can see...it's scary how long I have been going on without a proper prescription.

I guess what stopped me from doing all the things I wanted to do is sort of out of the way now - I can't just stumble into life half blind but rather walk through it knowing full well where I am going, or as Iris might put it, seeing 20 feet ahead. I want to see what I'm getting myself into, and to know that I want to be in it. No more dead end jobs and frustrations over layoffs. Why? Because I can always find something better, and to leave something behind is often an oppurtunity, or life's invitation of, finding something much more right for myself.

Posted 2:13 AM
Cracked open the computer to install a new burner today. First time I've done that in a year. The last time I did that I was with G and we bought RAM together. 512 megs of ram for a win98 system. It wasn't entirely useless, but it was like buying a giant bag of flour in winter when all you bake are summer fruit muffins. Or pies.

Haven't heard from Patrick since we almost came to an online shout fest last week. Hidden (or not so hidden afterall) bitterness I guess, and if he reads this he would disagree. I think he went off somewhere to work for a week. Being in the city together is not a good idea because we do run into each other. Hanging out in the same channels are bad enough. The angst and the dirty laundry flies. I still have to return his stuff and get my stuff. I still have to talk to him and hug him and tell him I'll probably never see him again and I don't want to actually do it. Because I know it will hurt him and I can't take hurting someone again.

People move in and out of my life so often that all I can do is to enjoy it, knowing that the moment may pass anytime. That the people I love won't be there forever, or that they may change. That someone amazing you just meet could be someone else in a year. Or maybe even months. It's scary to to think I could fall in love again.